


Fantasies and Realities

by Junker



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Canonical Character Death, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-15 20:07:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11813301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junker/pseuds/Junker
Summary: Shepard internally deals with his fears about the future, what actually surviving the suicide mission entails, the people he's lost along the way (specifically Ashley Williams), and what his now physical relationship with Zaeed Massani means. The pair playfully theorize aloud about what they could do in the future together, only causing more anxieties to bubble within Shepard as he sleeps. A contemplative piece that takes place over one night during ME2.





	Fantasies and Realities

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  Artwork by JoAsakura ([Ao3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/JoAsakura/pseuds/JoAsakura) & [Tumblr](http://joasakura.tumblr.com/) & [Direct Link to Art](http://joasakura.tumblr.com/post/164480267212/mebb2017-banner-and-art-for-junkersjournal-mass))  
> Graphics at the end of the work by [FelinaFullstop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felinafullstop)!
> 
>   
> This is a work for the incredibly fun Mass Effect Big Bang 2017! 

Shepard turned to look as Zaeed walked into the cabin. It was still strange to see the mercenary without his armour. He wore a grey, waffle-knit V-neck and a pair of worn-in jeans that hugged his ass almost as tightly as his armour did. He oddly seemed larger without the armour. His broad shoulders were his own, not just a reflection of his bulky armour, and he was a bit heavier than his armour made him out to be. Maybe it was his personality that made him seem so larger, and as he passed Shepard, Shepard was always surprised to find Zaeed a few inches shorter than him.

“You still washing up?” Zaeed asked.

“No, I’m done.”

Zaeed slipped into the bathroom, pulling off his jeans and tossing them to Shepard. He usually cleaned up in the shared bathrooms, but he’d received several complaints for walking around in his boxer-briefs as he made his way to Shepard’s cabin. Zaeed didn’t mind, but his pants usually came off as soon as he came into the cabin. “My dick’s too big. It reduces morale,” Zaeed had said.

Shepard folded his jeans and put them on the computer chair. He pretended to be busy at his desk to watch Zaeed out of the corner of his eye. Shepard thought about the first time he saw Zaeed without his armour. He had always worn his armour before, even in the ship’s cafeteria. He had stopped in the armoury to check his weapons and Zaeed had been in there doing maintenance with his armour. He wore the jeans Shepard always saw him in - and he was still of the mind Zaeed only owned one pair - and a grey ribbed tank. The arm Zaeed’s armour covered was heavily scarred, with deep grooves into the flesh and breaking apart whatever tattoo he originally had on his arm.

  
Artwork by JoAsakura: [Ao3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/JoAsakura/pseuds/JoAsakura) & [Tumblr](http://joasakura.tumblr.com/) & [Direct Link to Art](http://joasakura.tumblr.com/post/164480267212/mebb2017-banner-and-art-for-junkersjournal-mass)

With more of his back exposed, Shepard got the opportunity to see that his tattoos spiralled across his shoulders and at least down into the parts of his back he could see. Zaeed asked, “Like what you see, Shepard?”

Shepard hadn’t realized Zaeed knew he was there. He said, “You comfortable enough to take off your armour around us? Yes. I like that a lot.”

“Jack said she thought the suit might smell. It could use some upkeep anyway.”

“Might smell?” Shepard asked. “Jack’s not usually so generous.”

“Yeah, well, she said she wasn’t sure if it was the suit or if it was me. And I might have cleaned up what she said a bit,” Zaeed said.

He turned to face Shepard and give him a crooked smile. Shepard said, “I hadn’t noticed.”

“Your sense of smell has been fucked since you took a mech punch to the head,” Zaeed said. “You won’t let Dr. Chakwas work her magic.”

“Haven’t I been healing enough?” Shepard asked. “Besides, I can smell you now. Talcum powder.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty strong though,” Zaeed said. “I’ll get Grunt to sniff it later. If he says it smells good, I’ll try washing it again.”

Zaeed stood up. Shepard got a better look at him. His armour kept some of his stomach tucked in, but his armour hadn’t hidden a thing about his ass. There was a tear in his jeans just under his left ass cheek, somehow emphasizing the nice curve of it. He always seemed at home in his armour, but his guard was up without it. His body was tense enough that Shepard noticed, and he carefully watched his surroundings. And the smile he gave Shepard made it clear he was well aware Shepard was checking him out. Zaeed offered him a wink and then walked some ways away to grab something.

Zaeed seemed more comfortable in Shepard’s quarters. Relaxed shoulders. Not hyper-aware of his surroundings. Sometimes he hummed or talked to himself under his breath. The ease left him as soon as he walked out the doors, so Shepard liked him best in his room, though he did like the view when Zaeed was on the field ahead of him.

He continued to watch Zaeed brush his teeth. His boxer-briefs were a mint green and hugged his ass perfectly. More than once both men crammed into the bathroom to brush their teeth together. Their arms brushed against each other, and Shepard usually pressed back against the wall so Zaeed didn’t end up in the shower. He liked the intimacy of it, the few moments where things felt normal.

Zaeed was surprisingly meticulous with his dental care. He said that so much of him was falling apart, he needed to take care of what was left. Shepard was pretty sure he was just vain and clung to the bits of him that weren’t blemished. Zaeed spit out his toothpaste and started to floss. “Working on anything or just watching me?” he asked.

“Watching you.”

“Thinking about how good I look?”

“Thinking about how often you surprise me.”

“Yeah, who’d have thought a piece of shit like me actually brushes his teeth.”

“It’s not just that-”

Zaeed quickly shot Shepard a smile to show he’d been joking. Some of his more deadpan deliveries went over Shepard’s head. It wasn’t his favourite trait, and he frowned. Zaeed returned to flossing. Shepard huffed and turned back to his desk. It wasn’t that Shepard expected the merc to be romantic, but he liked being able to tell his partner he appreciated them. Zaeed seemed to have enough confidence in his abilities that he didn’t accept compliments or even observations. 

Half the time Shepard felt like Zaeed just slept with him because Shepard needed it and Zaeed knew he was good at it. It had taken some arm-twisting to get Zaeed to actually spend the night in the cabin with him, and Shepard ultimately broke down and told him he didn’t want to be alone overnight. It was hardly the most romantic thing to say, but after saying it, Zaeed spent most nights with him unless they’d had an argument. And they never talked about Shepard’s confession. Zaeed was good at not bringing that sort of stuff up.

Most of the time it felt like a professional relationship, just something else the Illusive Man was paying Zaeed for. And Shepard was too scared of it disappearing to admit he wanted something more with him. 

Zaeed wrapped his arm around Shepard’s chest and kissed the back of his neck. “I’m going to bed. I’ll be reading for a bit if you want to stay up.”

Shepard turned off the bathroom light behind him and watched as Zaeed pulled back the covers of the bed before crawling into them. He looked at a datapad, running his tongue across his teeth as he read. Turning off lights as he went, Shepard followed him into bed. He put his arms behind his head and watched the ceiling. The only light was from Zaeed’s datapad, but Shepard didn’t bother sneaking a peak. He already knew what Zaeed’s face looked like above that orange glow.

“Did you want to cuddle?” Zaeed asked, not looking away from his datapad.

It was as if Zaeed was asking what strategy to use when breaking into a building. “I’m all right,” Shepard said.

Zaeed laughed. “You’re never not interested. Let me know when you change your mind.”

“You’re busy.”

“Shepard, I’m just reading,” Zaeed said. “I can cuddle.”

“And I’m fine.”

Zaeed set down the datapad and moved to Shepard’s side of the bed. He wrapped his arms around him and rolled Shepard onto his side so he could coil around him. Shepard liked to be the little spoon, and Zaeed preferred his position as the larger. Shepard hugged Zaeed’s arms against his chest and started, “You didn’t have to-”

“What’s your problem?”

“What?”

“You’re being weird,” Zaeed said. “Just tell me what you want.”

“I just - lately I feel like I’ve been ordering you to spend time with me.”

Zaeed laughed. It pissed Shepard off. Zaeed was good at that – laughing when Shepard admitted something he was sensitive about. He just wanted a second of being serious. When Shepard tried to pull away, Zaeed wrapped his arms tighter around him. Shepard said, “And I don’t like it when you make light of my feelings.”

Zaeed said, “You’re such an idiot sometimes. Save the god damn Citadel, but doesn’t want to ask his hot boyfriend to cuddle.”

Zaeed chuckled to himself and nuzzled into the back of Shepard’s neck. Shepard hesitated and then said, “Boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that what this is?”

“I thought so.”

“Sometimes we fool around with other people.”

“No,” Zaeed said, “Sometimes we invite other people to fuck us together. I haven’t slept with anyone when you’re not there. Have you slept with anyone without me?”

“Well, no.”

“What did you think we were?”

“I don’t know. We never talked about it. I thought we were just messing around.”

“Would you rather just be messing around?” Zaeed asked.

“No.”

“Then we’re boyfriends,” Zaeed said. “The next time we run into your ex, you can introduce me as that.”

Shepard sat up, and this time Zaeed didn’t hold him in place. Shepard said, “Kaidan’s not my ex. He’s just - I don’t know if he’s even bi.”

“He ripped your heart out like an ex does,” Zaeed said. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“It’s fine,” Shepard replied. He smiled at Zaeed and said, “It would feel good to introduce you as my boyfriend to him.”

Zaeed smiled in reply, and Shepard settled back down against him. Zaeed said, “We never talked about it - about Kaidan.”

“Maybe it’s easier not to think about it.”

“Are you the type of person who can compartmentalize like that?” Zaeed asked.

“Sometimes,” he said. After a beat of hesitation, he added, “Not really.”

They stayed silent for a moment. Shepard wasn’t sure if Zaeed expected him to say something more or if he just didn’t know what to say. Zaeed said, “I have a kid. I know - god, I hate it when you just wanna complain and someone else steamrolls your story with their own, but hear me out for a sec. It was a while ago - maybe twenty years or so. I was still a part of the Blue Suns, and the woman wanted fuck all to do with me. Said I was a fuck up and all that shit.

“The thing was - I really liked her. I wasn’t going to go give up my organization or anything, but, I don’t know, I pictured a life with her, and her having a kid would change things and maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. But she thought I was such a fuck up that she wouldn’t even take my money to help this kid out.

“I’ve reached out to her a couple of times too, but she says I’m toxic and a bad influence and all this shit,” Zaeed said. “And yeah I probably was, but I know who I am now. I’m an asshole, sure, but when I give a shit about someone, I’ll watch their back. You’d think I’d have more trust issues after Vido, but no.

“So my point is - I get what it’s like when someone doesn’t want you because they refuse to see you as you really are. So I mean, I get it.”

“How can I fix it?” Shepard asked.

“I don’t think you can,” Zaeed said. “You just have to keep being the person you are - or the person you want to be, and you hope they eventually see that.”

Shepard said, “That’s not much comfort, Massani.”

Zaeed laughed. “I guess I still am kind of a fuck up.”

Shepard shifted in Zaeed’s arms. “Was she wrong to push you away?”

“Hell, probably not,” Zaeed said. “Vido might have killed them too, but I can tell you I would have fought for them. I still would. I’d love the shit out of them if they gave me the chance.”

“Charming.”

“I’ve just spent a lot of my life only having my own back to watch,” Zaeed said. “Doesn’t mean I’m opposed to watching anyone else’s. Shit Shepard, I usually work on a team.”

Shepard said, “We’ve travelled together a lot, and I’ve heard a number of your war stories.”

“Yeah?”

“A lot of them end with only you surviving.”

Zaeed shrugged. “Believe whatever the fuck you want, Shepard. I’m not here to impress you.”

“Why are you here?” Shepard asked.

“Credits.”

“No, in bed, with me,” Shepard said. “Because you’ve already fucked me enough to get stories about you sleeping with the Great Commander Shepard.”

Zaeed rolled Shepard onto his back and stayed on his side to watch him. “You know I like you, right?” Zaeed asked. “You’re fun and strong and so god damn broken.”

Shepard laughed weakly. “And we’ve both survived death.”

“Right,” Zaeed said. “You’re honest and,” he hesitated before continuing, “and you make me feel like I’m worth a damn. Not just me, the hired gun, but me, the piece of shit.”

Shepard smiled and Zaeed smiled back. Zaeed said, “I’m sorry I’m not good at this shit. I’m sorry I made you feel like you’ve just hired me as a companion. I’m on your team for the credits, but I’m here because I want to be.”

“Good.”

“Now do me.”

“What? Fuck you?”

“No, tell me why you want me here,” Zaeed said.

Shepard almost laughed. He hadn’t considered that Zaeed needed to hear why Shepard would want to spend time with him. “You’re confident enough for the both of us,” Shepard said, “but you don’t shit on me for being unsure of myself. Everyone expects me to be-”

“The Great Commander Shepard.”

“Yeah,” Shepard said, “but with you, I’m the soldier that watched his team die on Akuze and lost another teammate on Virmire. I’m the heartbroken man. I’m not a survivor - I’m here because Cerberus wanted a face for their vision. You understand the expectations I have to live up to and you don’t expect me to even try to live up to them. It’s hard because even with Garrus - he expects me to be the same man I was on the Citadel, and he’s been through so much - I have to be better for him.”

“But you can be garbage with me.”

“I think you know what it’s like to have people to expect you to be a certain way and be disappointed when you’re not,” Shepard said.

Zaeed moved onto his back and he wrapped his arm around Shepard’s shoulders. “Yeah, yeah I know that.”

“But you’re driven and you’re ruthless and I just - I admire you a lot.”

“And?”

“And your ass won’t quit,” Shepard said.

Zaeed laughed and Shepard rolled Zaeed onto his side to wrap his arms around him. He moved Zaeed’s ass against his groin and kissed his neck. Zaeed pushed himself back against Shepard, but Shepard just held him tighter. Zaeed said, “I forgot to tell you you’re handsome.”

Shepard laughed. “You mean in the Alliance recruitment posters where they made adjustments to make me look more handsome, right?”

“No,” Zaeed said. “Now, with the big nose and goofy smile and prematurely grey hair.”

“God, I am going grey.”

“It looks good. You look good.”

Shepard smiled against Zaeed’s neck and said, “Could I keep holding you like this? I know you don’t like it, but-”

“Yeah, sure,” Zaeed said, “but if you fall asleep, I might wake you up trying to untangle myself.”

“That’s fair,” Shepard said. “And you know I think you’re handsome, right?”

“I’ve watched you jerk off to the issue of Fornax I’m in,” Zaeed said. “I know you think I’m handsome, Shepard.”

Shepard laughed and said, “I can’t believe you were in two issues. Once when you were in the Blue Suns and once again as a Mercenary.”

“Yeah, business went up the second time, but I got laid less. What do you think that’s about?”

“They were just too intimidated,” Shepard said. “Do you have any ins at Fornax? I’d love to do a spread.”

“Maybe they’d do a feature on us together,” Zaeed said. “The hottest men in the galaxy.”

“I’d love that,” Shepard said. “Hell, now we need to survive this suicide mission.”

When Zaeed laughed again, Shepard smiled against him again. His laughter faded, and the pair stayed quietly intertwined while listening to the soft hum of the ship. Shepard eventually asked, “What do you think you’ll do when this is over?”

“You mean the mission?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m hoping to retire. I’ve been looking at different properties, but I can’t decide where I want to settle. I’m hoping for a good piece of land, lots of privacy, but Earth doesn’t have that.”

“I thought you’d want a big city feel - somewhere you could become a local at a dive bar.”

“I think I’m ready to slow down a bit,” Zaeed said. “A house with a cabin feel. Lots of land for hunting - or maybe a shooting range. Time to myself. Pick up a few more hobbies I’ve never gotten around to. And I’ll make sure there’s still someplace nearby so I can become a regular at the shittiest bar in the area. Maybe a strip club instead, if I’m lucky.”

Shepard laughed. “Gross.”

Zaeed shifted in Shepard’s arms to face him. He hooked his leg over Shepard’s hip and wrapped his arms around him. “You could visit.”

“Yeah? You wanna take me to the titty bar?”

“I mean my cabin.”

“There better be A/C.”

“Yeah, but I picture us in it in the winter,” Zaeed said. “We have a nice fire going and we’re sharing a blanket.” Shepard smiled and Zaeed nuzzled him as he continued, “Maybe we’ve made hot chocolate, and maybe I spill mine on your shirt and you have to take it off. But then you’re too cold even without the blanket, so we have to find a way to keep warm.”

Shepard laughed, and Zaeed watched him with a wide smile. Shepard folded his arms against Zaeed’s chest and Zaeed pulled him close in response. Zaeed kissed him, slow and gentle. Shepard cupped Zaeed’s cheek, and Zaeed sucked his lower lip as he drew away. Shepard softly said, “Two reasons to survive the suicide mission. Fornax and cabin sex.”

Zaeed smiled and said, “What do you picture yourself doing after this?”

“I try not to think about it,” Shepard said. “I already died once and it messed everything up. Garrus lost himself. Kaidan blindly threw himself into work. Liara wasted so much time trying to find me and protect me-”

“She wasn’t wrong.”

“I know, but - what happens if I die again? Is Liara going to go through the Omega-4 relay to try to get my body back? What if this is a band-aid solution for the Reapers? What happens to my crew? Grunt’s just a baby-”

“But he has a place in Clan Urdnot, thanks to you.”

Shepard rubbed his face. “Okay, so what happens if I survive?”

“Fornax. Cabin sex.”

“I’m working for a terrorist organization that tortured and killed my teammates. Kaidan hates me and I doubt the Alliance thinks much of me at all. Either way I’m out of a job. And I’m not sure I have it in me to be a merc like you.”

Zaeed shrugged. “Write a book. Hell, hire a ghostwriter. You’ll still make a shitton.”

Shepard blinked. “I hadn’t thought of that, but then what? I’ve always worked. I’ve always had goals.”

“Retire with me,” Zaeed said. “We’ll get a room and you can fiddle around with that drone shit you like so much. Hell, we’ll steal EDI and you can spend the next few decades just talking to her.”

Shepard hesitated. It was strange to think about Zaeed having plans to be with him after the mission. His stomach turned with some anxiety, but he still truthfully replied, “I would love that.”

EDI said, “I cannot disclose the means necessary to remove me from the Normandy, but I can say that it well within the Commander’s skillset to do so. It would take a remarkable amount of power to sustain me in a cabin, which would make it easy to track.”

Zaeed and Shepard laughed. Zaeed said, “We could totally pull it off. Three reasons to survive the suicide mission?”

“Three reasons.”

“And that limits the planets I was looking at. We might have to be out of Citadel space to house an illegal AI. You’d have to set up a security system with turrets.”

Shepard gasped. “I love doing that.”

“And you’d get to do it for a massive property.”

“Plus it’d mean we’d still get attacked from time to time, so you could keep busy.”

The pair laughed together, and Zaeed kissed Shepard again. This time he drew out the kiss, rolling Shepard onto his back and pinning him against the bed. Zaeed held his hands, twining their fingers together. “Let’s talk about what we’d do in this cabin,” Zaeed said.

“Listen, I just heard about the cabin,” Shepard said. “I haven’t had much time to come up with anything.”

“Okay, I’ve got one,” Zaeed said.

The cabin’s kitchen overlooked the backyard with a dense forest behind them. The leaves changed to rich shades of red, indicating that winter was slowly moving in. A little garden sat near the house. Shepard worked on a drone in the kitchen. He still hadn’t set up a room for his workshop, and the kitchen was the easiest place to work. Parts were strewn across the kitchen table and some of the floor. He left the counter with a breakfast bar empty. If they didn’t eat in front of the television, they’d eat there.

Shepard moved to the kitchen sink. He absently watched the backyard as he washed his hands. Zaeed chopped wood outside without a shirt on. Sweat rolled down his skin. He wore his pair of worn-in jeans with a light pink bandana in his back right pocket. He looked good. Broad, muscular shoulders with a bit extra fat hanging over the edges of his jeans. Shepard loved seeing his tattoos and the scars that broke them apart out under the sun.

“So do I just jerk off in the kitchen or do I go outside and we fuck there?” Shepard asked.

“I mean, I’m going to chop a lot of wood, Shepard.”

“So both.”

“Yeah,” Zaeed said. “Imagine our knees sinking into the dirt. It’ll be great.”

Shepard laughed, and Zaeed rolled onto his back next to Shepard. They tilted their heads to watch the stars outside the window. “I’d like moments like this,” Shepard said.

They turned off all the lights inside and outside of the house. Zaeed threw down a plaid blanket, and Shepard took a few cushions off of their outdoor furniture. Zaeed sat down and patted the space beside him. Shepard put the cushions behind their heads and Zaeed wrapped his arm around Shepard. They watched the stars together and listened to the noises of the woods around them. The creaking branches. The wind through the leaves. The crickets chirping. 

Maybe they’d think of the hum of the Normandy. Maybe they’d miss it. Maybe they wouldn’t. They’d tilt their heads together and Shepard would hold Zaeed’s hand. 

“And then we’d fuck, right?” Zaeed asked.

“I mean, I guess. If you wanted to. I feel like we’d get mosquito bites on our ass.”

“Maybe we’d just give each other handies,” Zaeed said. “I’ve got another.”

Zaeed came into the cabin from the outside. He brushed snow off of his trapper hat and took off his heavy plaid coat. His nose and cheeks were still red with cold. “How did it go?” Shepard asked from his comfortable place on the couch.

“Didn’t get anything - and it started snowing pretty heavy,” Zaeed said, taking off his gloves and tossing them on the floor. “Decided to come inside.”

He kicked off his boots and tossed his hat aside as he sat next to Shepard. “I’d say that’s too bad, but-”

“You’d prefer my body here to warm you up,” Zaeed said.

He kissed Shepard’s cheek, his cold nose pressing against him. “You’re freezing,” Shepard said, trying to push him away.

Zaeed’s cold fingers traced up Shepard’s sweater, knitting into his chest hair. Zaeed kissed him. “You need me to warm you up.”

“I’m going to get frostbite from your touch,” Shepard said as Zaeed pushed him back against the couch. “They’re going to have to amputate my nipples.”

Still, Zaeed pressed on, rubbing his chest with his cold fingers and straddling him about the waist. He kissed where his shoulder and neck met, his cold nose pressing against his neck.

“Why are all these stories about you being really hot and I can’t help but put out?” Shepard asked.

“I think I’d look really good as a woodsman,” Zaeed said. “Should I tell one about you being Little Red Riding Hood and me being the Big Bad Wolf?”

“Oh god.”

“Maybe you’re in the woods carrying a basket of baked goods to your old, old friend Hackett-“

“Isn’t Hackett your age?” Shepard asked.

“Come on,” Zaeed said. “I’m younger.”

“Not much.”

“Yeah, but enough to add on the extra old.”

“Five years?” Shepard asked.

“Just let me finish the story,” Zaeed said. “You’re delivering this basket of goods to Hackett and an extremely handsome man approaches you-“

“Wait,” Shepard said. “Are you the wolf in this story or the woodsman?”

“What?”

“Isn’t there a Woodsman that kills the wolf and cuts the women out of the wolf’s belly?” Shepard asked. “I’m not really into, you know, vore, but even less into being chopped out of a wolf’s stomach.”

Zaeed hesitated and said, “So, you want to fuck a wolf.”

“I’m just saying Hackett is my best option here,” Shepard said with a laugh. “Though I’m assuming you were setting up a threeway for us.”

“Oh, I definitely was,” Zaeed said. “Did I tell you about fucking Hackett?”

“Only about a hundred times.”

“You love it,” Zaeed said with a grin.

“I do, but-” Shepard stopped before he asked, “Do you really just want me there to fuck around with?”

“Come on, I always give you fun things to do. Working on your drone. Watching the fire and reading.”

“You didn’t say reading,” Shepard said.

“I don’t know,” Zaeed said. “I just picture you there with me, keeping yourself busy, being happy, not stretched thin like this. And I can’t keep my fucking hands off of you.”

Shepard laughed. “You’ll tire me out.”

“I’m always going to say I want more sex than I actually do,” Zaeed said. “Think about how many nights we plan to fuck and just end up like this, cuddling and talking. Most of the time this is all I really want.”

Shepard smiled and watched Zaeed’s profile in the darkness. He was pensive. “That’s really sweet, you know.”

“I’m really fucking sweet,” Zaeed said, wrapping his arms back around Shepard, “but maybe you help bring it out in me.”

Shepard rolled back onto his side so he could tuck himself neatly against Zaeed, with his back to him. Zaeed asked, “Have you thought of another?”

Shepard stood by the dishwasher, drying off the dishes with a few specks of water on them before putting them away to the cabinets. Zaeed sat at the breakfast bar. “Shepard, I’m so fucking bored.”

“You could go hunting.”

“It’s not challenging enough.”

“We could drive into town.”

“Yeah, a shitty one-horse town that’s mostly Batarians who hate us.”

“We could rent a vid.”

“There hasn’t been anything good in years. I like watching the old shit so it’s not quite so depressing when they say racist shit.”

“You just said that thing about Batarians.”

“Because they hate us, not because I hate them.”

Zaeed picked at something between his teeth with his pinky. Shepard sighed and returned to the dishes. “You could help me out here.”

“There’s not enough room. Besides, I loaded it. You’re the one that just leaves his dishes in the sink.”

“They need to soak.”

“They don’t need to soak,” Zaeed said. “I bought this dishwasher specifically so they don’t need to fucking soak.”

“Whatever.”

Zaeed scoffed. “We should just sell the place.”

“What? Why?”

“Because it’s boring. There’s nothing to do.”

“I like it here.”

“Well, that’s not enough for me,” Zaeed said.

Shepard shifted against Zaeed in bed. Zaeed tightened his arms around him, smiling against the back of his neck. Shepard tried to push the memory aside. “I haven’t thought of anything.”

“You weren’t thinking of something?” Zaeed asked.

“Do you worry you’ll get bored?” Shepard asked. “You’re pretty restless.”

“I don’t know,” Zaeed said. “I’ve never really stayed in one place for very long. The longest was with Vido, if you can believe it. I wasn’t restless then.”

“But you were building something.”

“And we wouldn’t be building something?” Zaeed asked.

Shepard didn’t immediately reply. He worried he wouldn’t be enough for Zaeed. Their relationship worked well now. They worked during the day until they were exhausted, and they had countless people around them to keep Zaeed entertained. And Omega was always within flight distance. They hooked up with other people too, not necessarily to spice things up, but because Shepard was curious and Zaeed encouraged it.

What would it be like in a cabin in the middle of nowhere? And did Zaeed want him there permanently? If they were out of Citadel space, he doubted his friends would visit. Would they fly out and see them? Would they even have a ship? Would Shepard even live to see it? And what if he didn’t? Would Zaeed lose himself like his other friends had?

“So you don’t like the cabin,” Zaeed said.

“I didn’t say that.”

Zaeed loosened his grip. “Not replying doesn’t exactly make me feel fucking confident, Shepard.”

“I’m just - I’m not sure it’s what you want.”

Zaeed laughed and sat up. “You think I don’t know what I want?”

“You just said you didn’t know.”

“I didn’t know if I’d get bored,” Zaeed said. “I’ve been thinking about this for years, Shepard. This is what I want.”

“That or buying enough explosives to blow yourself up.”

Zaeed scoffed. “That fucking Asari.” Shepard sat up as Zaeed slid out of bed. Zaeed continued, “You had no right to read that.”

“Well I did.”

Zaeed turned on a few lights. “What the fuck do you want me to say, Shepard?”

“I don’t know.”

“We’re both self-destructive,” Zaeed said. “The difference is I’m a piece of shit asshole and you’re a god damn hero. I think part of you wants to die on this mission.”

“And you don’t?” Shepard asked. “It’d be a hell of a way for Zaeed Massani to go out.”

“Well I can’t now,” Zaeed said. “You let Vido go.”

“With Liara we can track him down-”

“You left my business unfinished Shepard,” Zaeed snapped. “I can’t fucking die now, and I sure as hell can’t retire anywhere. Even if I wanted to let the fucker live, he’d hunt me down.”

“I don’t regret choosing to save those factory workers.”

Zaeed rolled his eyes. He pointed to himself, “See. Piece of shit asshole.” He pointed back to Shepard. “God damn hero.”

Shepard frowned. “I hate it when you call me that.”

“And I just fucking love it when you throw away everything I’ve worked so god damn hard for to be a god damn hero.”

“Those are people’s lives,” Shepard said.

“As if the Blue Suns didn’t come back and mow them down afterwards,” Zaeed said. “Vido’s just capturing more workers as we speak.”

Shepard didn’t reply. Zaeed walked back up to Shepard’s desk and grabbed his jeans. “I’m just going to go back to sleep in the garbage room.”

“It’s a cargo bay.”

“The trash compactor is there.”

“You chose that room.”

“Right,” Zaeed said. “So just let me fuck off.”

Shepard rubbed his face. “Are you storming off because you need to cool off, or are you storming off so I have to grovel tomorrow to win you back?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” Zaeed said, squeezing into his jeans. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Shepard.”

“Yeah, have a good sleep.”

“Fuck you,” Zaeed snapped.

“Yeah, okay.”

Zaeed stood by the door and hesitated. He smirked and said, “Right. Have a good sleep too.”

Shepard smiled. “Thanks.”

Zaeed flipped him off as he left. Shepard got up to flick off the lights. He sighed as he settled back into bed. He put his arms behind his head and stared back at his ceiling. He closed the shutters to block out the stars. After several minutes passed, he asked EDI, “Is Zaeed back in his room?”

“He is drinking whiskey in the kitchen.”

Shepard thought about going back to the kitchen and trying to talk to him, but he was afraid of what the conversation would turn into. Sometimes it was hard to care about Zaeed when he remembered how he put his own desires before the factory workers’ lives. And maybe Zaeed was right. Maybe letting Vido go meant more people suffered and even lost their lives. He just didn’t know.

So he stayed in the bedroom, and he hugged one of Zaeed’s pillows to his chest. They had fought like this before. Shepard honestly didn’t think their relationship - and he supposed now it was officially a relationship - would survive past Vido’s escape. Zaeed’s willingness to so easily throw away innocent lives didn’t sit well for him, and the fact that Zaeed turned his gun on him afterwards. 

As if Shepard needed more conflict in his life.

It was hard enough to be excited about the prospect of a relationship when death was on his doorstep, and both of their baggage only stifled his excitement more. He wondered if it was a mistake. He never really pictured himself surviving the suicide mission, and it was a surprise that Zaeed had taken their future into consideration. He liked that he was a part of it, but he couldn’t figure out if their values were just too different to actually make it work. It worked now since Zaeed worked for him, and they still managed to find things to fight about.

Kaidan liked addressing problems head-on, and it usually meant long-drawn out discussions. Zaeed just yelled and left. Right now, Shepard preferred the latter. Shepard wouldn’t get over Kaidan easily, and in the beginning, part of him had expected this thing with Zaeed to be some sort of grand romance. And it was nice that it wasn’t. It felt like an extension of their friendship that slowly developed in a different way. Their first time was fun. Zaeed made him feel comfortable and made a big deal about taking his virginity in the new body - partly joking and partly serious, making fun at how absurd the situation was but also making sure nothing hurt. He had expected Zaeed to be a selfish lover, but he was patient and more interested in giving than receiving. He made jokes about being so ugly he needed to be good in bed, but Shepard suspected a soft center beneath the rough and rugged exterior.

He never compared Zaeed to Kaidan in a critical way. They were totally different people, and it was a relief to have a completely different distraction that was still thoroughly satisfying. He liked that Kaidan and he could have serious conversations, and he and Zaeed could too, but Zaeed never pressed where Kaidan certainly would have. And Shepard didn’t need his wounds delved into it and cleansed. He just wanted to ignore them, even it meant it would be that much harder to confront later.

He had too much on his plate to process, and despite their arguments and baggage, Zaeed didn’t add much to it. They mostly yelled and made up later. Zaeed kept it manageable and helped him relax. Shepard realized his death would leave nothing but loose ends. Toombs would hate him. Kaidan wouldn’t believe it was really him. Liara would mourn him. Wrex would assume he had survived. He just hoped he didn’t take Tali and Garrus down with him. Otherwise it was fine. He didn’t care about the loose ends. He just needed to end the Collectors. That was the only reason he was still here, still alive. In a way it was good that Zaeed and he didn’t completely click. Maybe Zaeed would move on with ease if Shepard didn’t survive the suicide mission. He’d certainly lost enough teammates before.

But Zaeed’s cabin fantasies made him worry he was wrong. Maybe Zaeed did expect more. Anxiety knitted in Shepard as he ultimately fell asleep with those thoughts.

He sat in the living room of the cabin. It had high, vaulted ceilings and a fire cracked in the fireplace across from his position on the couch. The wind howled outside and once and a while he could hear ice pelt at the window. The windows were completely black, as if someone had simply painted them over. He had a blanket over his legs and he read a real, physical book. He couldn’t remember the last time he read something that wasn’t on a datapad. 

It was cozy and warm. He couldn’t actually make out the words in the book. His brain registered that he was reading, but the actual words didn’t come to his mind. It occurred to Shepard that it was probably a dream, but he didn’t think too much of it. 

Zaeed came in with his heavy plaid coat. “We’re going hunting.”

“I’m happy here, and it sounds nasty outside.”

Zaeed repeated, “We’re going hunting.”

Shepard got up and set his book aside. He dressed warmly, wearing a blue puffer jacket and thick black scarf. His covered his short grey hair with a black toque. He lifted the M-97 Viper in his hands. He suddenly remembered all the time he spent training with sniper rifles with Zaeed. As an Engineer it wasn’t something he trained in, and Zaeed wanted to keep him farther back when he or Grunt were more effective at running right into combat. They practiced at the shooting range, usually squatting or laying down on the floor together. Shepard remembered Zaeed’s hand on his shoulder, his gruff voice quiet as he explained strategies.

It was rare that he didn’t have a sniper rifle on him now, and it was strange seeing the gun he trained with in his hands rather than a more standard hunting rifle.

“Let’s go,” Zaeed said as Shepard stared at the rifle.

“Yeah, all right.”

They waded into the snow together. It was deep, and they trudged slowly through it. Even with the moon full, it was notably dark out with a vague, uneasy light washing over the woods. The wind whipped their faces. He watched Zaeed’s breath curl out of his lips. Shepard didn’t know much about hunting, but he doubted this was a smart time to do it.

“Let’s go back inside,” Shepard said.

“We press forward.”

“I don’t think this is smart,” Shepard said.

Zaeed said, “I’m staying out here. You go back if you want.”

Shepard turned around to see their footprints behind them. He hesitated when he saw only his own trail. When he looked back up, Zaeed was gone. His breaths quickened and he adjusted his toque. Should he look for him? Should he go back inside?

He looked back towards his path. His footsteps were still there, but he couldn’t see the cabin through the trees. He spotted footsteps back beside his own.

“You all right, Commander?”

He turned back to see Ashley Williams beside him. Her hair was pulled back into her toque. A pink scarf was wrapped around her neck, with the rest of her winter gear white. Her nose was a little red from the cold. Her dark eyes watched him intently.

“Yeah - yeah I’m fine.”

“Let’s do this.”

He walked beside Ashley as the trudged deeper into the woods. He wasn’t going to leave her behind. Not again. He had no idea what she was doing in the woods with him, but he didn’t care. He loved her next to him. Every breath she took, he watched the little frozen puff of air appear. She was alive. She was breathing.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard said.

“It’s okay. I understand, Commander. He was the right choice.”

Shepard wasn’t so sure. His crush on Kaidan had been all-consuming, overwhelming. He couldn’t bear to lose him. But Ash had always been there. They danced together at Flux. He confided in her his feelings for Kaidan. Sure, they argued about aliens and religion, but they still clicked. She fought as fiercely as Wrex, and she listened to orders even when she disagreed with him. He admired the hell out of her. Professional. Tough-as-hell. Stubborn.

He thought she would have followed him on this mission too. The Alliance was her home, sure, but she wouldn’t have left him like Kaidan had, would she? Sometimes things would remind him of her, and he thought about telling her only to remember that she was gone. They hadn’t fought together for long, but it was still strange not having her to count on. She always had his back, and he didn’t have hers when it mattered.

“I let my own desires cloud my judgment. I could have set off the bomb myself.”

“Commander, you made the right choice. I knew the risks going in. I have no regrets.”

Shepard still didn’t believe it. The snow became harder to walk through. It started pulling back against his every step. “Here they come,” Ashley said.

Shepard spotted Collector Drones moving through the trees. A yellow particle beam shot through the branches towards him, separating him from Ashley. They both ducked behind trees. Ashley used her assault rifle and Shepard tried to remember Zaeed’s instructions as he targeted a drone through the scope. 

“What are they doing here?” Shepard asked.

“Did you really think you’d escape this?” Ashley asked.

Shepard took the shot and watched the Collector drop to the ground. He took a deep breath and positioned himself for the other. If they were at the cabin, it meant he and Zaeed survived the suicide mission. The Collectors should be destroyed. He said, “If we’re here, we wiped out the Collectors.”

“The Reapers are coming, Commander. You’re just delaying the inevitable. You’re focussing on the wrong issues.”

Shepard found his hands shaking. He couldn’t take a clear shot, and the Collectors drew closer. Shepard said, “What issues?”

“Whether you should hope to have this cabin or not,” Ashley said. “Your only focus should be on the mission, Commander. Defeat the Reapers.”

It wasn’t Ash. She was professional, sure, but she encouraged his flirtations with Kaidan. Or maybe she would be mad at him for being like this - so wrapped up in ennui that he didn’t see the bigger picture. He was just stalling them.

The cabin was just a dream, a fantasy. Zaeed would never want to settle down, and Shepard never could. Even if he defeated the Reapers, what next threat would there be? Maybe his choices were fine right now. Dating a restless merc he could hire to fight at his side. He’d certainly always have someone to keep his bed warm that way.

“They’re getting close, Commander.”

The sounds of the insects grew closer. His hands still shook as he tried to hold the Sniper Rifle. He didn’t have his drones or his shields. He didn’t have anything except the Viper. His movements slowed down. He didn’t know if he was being frozen or if the tarry snow just pulled him down. Soon, he could only move his eyes. He would have screamed, and his body ached in its frozen state. 

New lights moved through the trees. Headlamps. Geth. 

Ashley hadn’t been frozen like he had. He watched her single-handedly fight off the new Geth threat. She shoved one off of her with the butt of her assault rifle and kicked another one off of her as he shot them both. She screamed in fury as she let off another line of fire to hold them back.  
Shepard’s eyes watered as he watched how he imagined Ashley’s last moments played out. Her gunfire and curses. The Geth encroaching on her. Their bullets breaking through her shields and slicing through her armour. He hadn’t even noticed her winter wear had shifted to her armour, but now it broke apart. 

He didn’t notice the Collectors encroaching on him as Ashley fell to her knees in front of the Geth. Their robotic frames blocked his line of sight as the Collectors lifted him and started carrying him away from her. He still faced her. He tried to fight against the freezing, but his body stayed painfully stiff. A red light broke through the trees from above, illuminating the Geth. He still couldn’t spot Ashley amongst their legs, but his eyes rose and he saw massive Reaper breaking through the falling snow. Its legs reached out towards them. Shepard’s breaths quickened. The Collectors set him down in the snow, and he saw a frozen Kaidan Alenko beside him.

Clenching his teeth, Shepard thrashed to get out of the stasis. In seconds he found himself tangled in the sheets in his bed. Somewhere along the line he’d forgotten it was just a dream. Zaeed was sitting upright in bed beside him, reading on his datapad. “Are you really here or am I still dreaming?” Shepard asked, his voice surprisingly hoarse.

Had he been talking? Had he been screaming?

“I’m here,” Zaeed said. “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Zaeed set the datapad down on the nightstand and pulled Shepard against him. Zaeed never pressed about his nightmares. Shepard had them constantly, and he appreciated that Zaeed would just drop it. He didn’t want to remember it. He didn’t want to think about it. He missed Ash so much it hurt, and he had almost lost Kaidan too. Zaeed nuzzled into the back of his neck and tightened his arms around him.

It wasn’t like being frozen by the Collectors. Despite his restricted movement, he felt safe and secure rather than exposed. Shepard asked, “Are we still fighting?”

“No,” Zaeed said, “Not unless you’re mad.”

“I’m not.”

“Then we’re not fighting.”

“Okay.”

Zaeed gave him a squeeze before loosening his grip. Shepard tucked himself into Zaeed a bit tighter. Shepard considered his dream again while he wished the memory of it would fade completely. He said, “I don’t want to go back to sleep.”

“You’ve only slept a couple of hours, and I’m here,” Zaeed said.

“When do you sleep?”

“I get a lot of power naps,” Zaeed said. “Just relax.”

“I can’t.”

Zaeed exhaled, and Shepard knew his patience was running thin. He didn’t really want to hold Shepard the entire night while he tried unsuccessfully to sleep. Shepard said, “You could go back to work.”

“I’ll stay here a bit longer,” Zaeed said. “I feel better like this right now.”

Shepard wondered what he meant, but he didn’t press. He didn’t really want Zaeed to let him go. They stayed quietly intertwined for a few minutes. Shepard felt wide awake with anxieties from his dreams keeping him tense. He noticed Zaeed had opened the shutters, and the stars overlooked them. The Normandy’s shields flickered blue across the stars.

“I’m sorry if the cabin was too much pressure. You have enough on your shoulders - you shouldn’t have to take my dumb fucking fantasies into consideration too.”

“What? No, I didn’t - I actually liked hearing about it,” Shepard said.

Zaeed hesitated and said, “I guess I’m just fucking scared.”

“Of dying with unfinished business.”

“Of what happens between us when this is all over. You have that soldier boy that clearly loves you and let’s be honest, you and I have very different values. There are a lot of things I can change about myself Shepard, but my core values, I’m not sure I can.”

“Honestly, I was just surprised you thought of me at all. I’d definitely make time to hang out with you at your cabin.”

Zaeed shifted against him. “Oh, I meant - fuck I’m an asshole. Nevermind.”

“What?”

“It’s nothing.”

Shepard rolled over in Zaeed’s arms, and Zaeed avoided his eye. Shepard said, “No, tell me.”

“I meant you’d come with me.”

“You mean living together?”

Zaeed shrugged. “I mean, we basically live together now. We just have an AI and a cook and about a million other people up our asses. It’s just weird thinking of retiring with you still dicking around in space like this without me.”

“Can you really picture yourself retiring at all though?”

“I’m old, Shepard. I love what I do, and I don’t know what I’ll have when my vengeance finally gets settled. That’s what was so appealing about this mission. If you had done it right, I’d wrap up everything in one go and, if I survived, then I could figure it out.” He softly added, “But you fucked it all up.”

“Because I let Vido go.”

“Because I like being with you,” Zaeed said. “Because I don’t mind having some of my freedoms limited if it means it’s because I’m tied to you. Because I’m mad at myself for believing you when you say you’re going to help me hunt down Vido later.”

Shepard smiled at him and Zaeed frowned. Shepard said, “You like me.”

Zaeed rolled his eyes. “I think I’ve made that crystal fucking clear, Shepard.”

Shepard laughed and hugged him. He nuzzled into his chest, and Zaeed tucked his head on top of Shepard’s. Shepard said, “I’m honestly relieved you’ve said all of this. I like knowing where I stand in a relationship.”

Zaeed said, “I’m an all in kind of guy.”

“I’m learning that,” Shepard said. “I’m sorry I don’t know what’s going to happen after this.”

“Can’t complain that you can’t see the future.”

“I’ve lost a lot of people,” Shepard said. “I’m honestly - I’m so fucking scared of committing to you when there’s a chance I’ll lose you too. I don’t want to think about another happily ever after that I’ll just fucking lose.”

“I’m a survivor, Shepard.”

“I know,” Shepard said, hugging him tighter. “I know you can take care of yourself, but that’s always how I lose people. They’re all stronger than me and they always fall before me.”

Zaeed lightly pressed his hand against the back of Shepard’s head. He held him gently. They both knew there was nothing he could say that would relieve Shepard. He kissed the top of his head. He said, “I won’t bring up the cabin again-”

“You don’t-”

“Let’s just focus on the now,” Zaeed said. “We don’t need a fucking cabin to be happy together. Let’s talk about what we’ll do in the little moments we find for ourselves.”

Shepard finally drew his face out of Zaeed’s chest to look at him. “Okay, like what?”

Zaeed grinned. Both their arms hung loosely around each other. Zaeed said, “The next time we stop at Omega, I want to pick you up a new dildo. I found one that’s a krogan-style dick, but a size that you can actually fit into your ass.”

“Is it both dicks?”

“Uh huh,” Zaeed said. “I mean, you can buy them separately, but I found one with both. So I thought you’d have a good time with that.”

“Christ, you’re the best.”

“You’re god damn right.”

Shepard laughed. “What else?”

“I was talking to Tali about some of the upgrades to her suit,” Zaeed said.

“Oh - oh you mean some of the, uh, massaging ones.”

“Yeah.”

“How the fuck did you get her to talk about that?” Shepard asked. “I’m not going to have to apologize for you, am I?”

“First, she had a few drinks in her,” Zaeed said, “Second, I might have talked about a lot of personal stuff first to get her to even bring it up. Most of the stuff she told me I’m not allowed to repeat.”

“But I’m your boyfriend,” Shepard whined.

“Then you get her drunk,” Zaeed said. “Anyway, I found some upgrades we could get to our armour if we were feeling particularly adventurous, and she gave me the name of a Quarian on Omega that could help us with it and might be willing to, you know, test it out with us.”

“You mean there’s a chance we can mess around with a Quarian.”

“Yeah,” Zaeed said. “I’m the god damn best.”

“Holy shit,” Shepard said. “I was going to ask when we’d ever use the suit upgrades, but they’d be worth it for that experience alone.”

“Exactly.”

Shepard rolled onto his back and repeated, “Holy shit. I never thought I’d be able to fuck a Quarian.”

Zaeed laughed and said, “Your turn.”

“I haven’t done any research beforehand,” Shepard said. “I don’t know.”

Zaeed stayed on his side, watching Shepard. “There still has to be things you want to do with me in the very near future.”

“You mean, like right now?”

Zaeed laughed and said, “That’s not what I meant.”

“I can think of right now,” Shepard said, carefully watching Zaeed’s face. “I want your shirt off.”

“Shepard-”

“Come on,” Shepard said.

Zaeed lifted off his shirt. Shepard rubbed Zaeed’s chest, running his fingers through his curly chest hair. He pushed Zaeed onto his back and Zaeed asked, “You just gonna ride my dick until I’m limping tomorrow?”

“I’d like to be the top tonight.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Is that okay?”

“Fuck Shepard. Yeah it’s okay,” Zaeed said. “Your lazy ass usually bottoms. I’m looking forward to a change.”

Shepard huffed, pretending to be insulted as he said, “My ass is hardly lazy.”

“Sure, Shep.”

Shepard opened the nightstand drawer to grab peppermint-flavoured lubricant. He pulled back the covers as he positioned himself between Zaeed’s legs. He rested the lube on Zaeed’s stomach and lifted his legs to peel off his boxer-briefs. “How is your ass so perfect?” Shepard asked.

“Good diet and exercise.”

“That sounds awful,” Shepard said. “I think it’s more like good genes and a lot of luck.”

“Please, you eat better and workout more than I do,” Zaeed said.

Shepard made a noise of disbelief and finished pulling off Zaeed’s boxer-briefs. He tossed them onto the bed and rubbed the inside of Zaeed’s thigh. Zaeed waited, completely still and comfortable. He showed no signs of being eager to start things. Shepard asked, “Do you know what I want?”

“You always want my juicy ass,” Zaeed said. “Give me some harder questions.”

With a laugh, Shepard took of his own shirt and boxers while he kept an eye on Zaeed in the process. Shepard liked taking his clothes off as they went, but Zaeed had confessed he liked seeing him naked the entire time. It made for an awkward moment where he undressed while nothing happened, but Zaeed’s eye crawled over him with such interest that Shepard hardly minded.

In the beginning of their relationship Zaeed had asked to see Shepard completely naked with the lights on. Shepard remembered laying on the bed while Zaeed, still clothed, inspected his body carefully. His fingers ran over every inch of him while his lips pressed against his favourite parts. Zaeed had commented on how soft Shepard’s feet were - one of the many signs of his rebirth. Shepard had been embarrassed, but Zaeed kissed them and made a joke about rubbing one against his dick.

Shepard thought of that now as he pulled Zaeed’s leg against his chest with his calloused heel pressing against his back. Even now, Shepard’s feet were still soft. They often hurt after being on his feet all day, and Zaeed would sometimes rub them, commenting on how long it would take for his callouses to return. His feet only emphasized how inexperienced he felt next to Zaeed. Zaeed had already been reborn and knew exactly who he was. Shepard wasn’t sure who he’d be after the mission, if he survived it. He felt like a blank slate, with everyone else reading something else on him and only making him feel all the more blank.

“You okay?” Zaeed asked.

“What? Yeah.”

“Your eyes just clouded over.”

“I’m okay.”

“We don’t have to mess around,” Zaeed said. “Or I could just give you a handy.”

“No,” Shepard said. “I want this.”

“All right,” Zaeed said.

Shepard took the lubricant and pulled Zaeed’s leg a bit more over his shoulder to slide Zaeed down the bed. He licked up Zaeed’s shaft as he squeezed lubricant onto his fingers. Zaeed exhaled while Shepard pressed a lubricated finger into Zaeed’s ass. Shepard spread Zaeed’s thick ass cheeks with one hand, taking a moment to admire the lubricated opening. Shepard dipped his tongue between Zaeed’s ass cheeks with the taste of peppermint lube a bit too overpowering. Zaeed tried to keep his voice steady as Shepard let his tongue flick and lick deeper into him as his nose brushed between his ass cheeks as well.

He stopped and spread the lubricant across Zaeed’s half-hard dick, slowly jerking him off as he returned to eating his ass. Various curses spilled from Zaeed’s mouth as Shepard slowly jerked him off in time with his slow, deep licks. Zaeed’s cock stiffened in his grasp, and Shepard jerked him off a bit more roughly as he increased the pace of his tongue. Zaeed pressed his forearm over his mouth to muffle out his curses, but when Shepard stopping eating out his ass to jerk him off so hard Zaeed’s hips couldn’t help but move, Zaeed’s arm raised to let out a load groan. Shepard’s own cock throbbed at the sound, and he nuzzled back between Zaeed’s ass cheeks to kiss him before returning to eat him out.

“Shepard, I’m - I’m really close.”

Shepard jerked him off slowly again, letting his tongue do most of the work. Zaeed panted openly, trying not to buck into Shepard’s face despite how eager Shepard was for it. Shepard finally stopped when Zaeed started to ooze across his fingers. Zaeed let out a noise in frustration, but he waited as Shepard rolled him onto his side and spread more lube into his ass and some onto his cock. Shepard moved behind Zaeed, spooning him. He rubbed his erection against Zaeed’s thick ass, repositioning himself so his cock sat between his ass cheeks. Shepard ground his groin up against him, eager to feel his dick against his ass. Zaeed rubbed his ass back against him, well aware of what Shepard wanted. Zaeed tilted his head to kiss him, and when he tried moving Shepard’s hand against his cock, Shepard pulled his hand away while kissing Zaeed deeper. Zaeed broke the kiss to laugh, and Shepard smiled into his neck. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Zaeed said. “Hurry up.” 

He edged the head of his cock into Zaeed’s ass and pulled his body against him by the hip. Zaeed pressed back against his slow thrusts. Shepard nuzzled into Zaeed’s neck, kissing him as he pumped his cock into him. His stomach pressed against Zaeed’s back, and Zaeed put his hand on top of Shepard’s on his hip, encouraging him to increase the pace. Nuzzling into Zaeed’s neck, Shepard continued kissing him and slid his arm beneath Zaeed’s head so he could hold his other hand.

Shepard spread his leg to hit deeper and started to pump into him faster. Zaeed asked, “Do you want me to be noisy, Shepard?”

“Please,” Shepard said.

“Then you’re going to have to try harder,” Zaeed said with a laugh.

Shepard lifted Zaeed’s leg by the thigh and pounded into him faster, finally coaxing a few gasps and grunts from Zaeed. Shepard watched Zaeed’s face, eager to watch the pleasure shift across his face. Zaeed wrapped his hand around the back of Shepard’s head to make sure he would continue to watch him. Shepard slammed his cock deep into Zaeed’s ass, feeling the deliciously round cheeks against his pelvis and balls. Zaeed bit his lower lip to keep from groaning, and Shepard repeated the process with force until Zaeed finally groaned.

Shepard released Zaeed’s thigh to hook his leg over Zaeed’s. Wrapping his arm around Zaeed’s stomach, he continued pounding deep into him, keeping his testicles pinned against his ass. Zaeed bucked back against him and rested his leg over Shepard’s calf. Zaeed kept his forearm against the mattress to keep his upper body against Shepard, and Shepard panted and grunted against the back of Zaeed’s neck. He still refrained from touching Zaeed’s cock, knowing from all the times Zaeed didn’t touch his how much it ached. 

Shepard found himself groaning louder as Zaeed bucked back into him with surprising force. He pumped into him roughly, pulling Zaeed into every thrust and groaning against his ear. Zaeed gasps of “harder” sent chills through Shepard, and he knew every groan from Zaeed sent him that much closer to the edge. “Come in my ass,” Zaeed panted. “I want to feel you fill me up.”

Shepard couldn’t find words to reply, but his continued pounding his cock deep into Zaeed, knowing it would only be a matter of moments before his filled his request and his ass. He sharply gasped, holding his cock deep inside of him, and Zaeed bucked against him, drawing out Shepard’s orgasm into him. Shepard panted and gasped as he finished, drawing out his cock and feeling his semen ooze out with it.

Rolling onto his back, Shepard panted. He slapped Zaeed’s ass as he admired the glossy semen on his ass. Zaeed stayed on his side as Shepard absently fingered him to draw more of his orgasm out of him. “Now what are you going to do for me, Shepard?” Zaeed asked.

“Whatever you want,” Shepard said, still trying to catch his breath. “Do you want to fuck my mouth?”

“I was thinking about maybe letting you do all the work,” Zaeed said, rolling onto his back and putting his arms behind his head.

His long erection held strong in the air, and it curved slightly towards Shepard as if it knew who to reach out to. Shepard laughed and shook his head at the thought. “All right.”

Zaeed grinned and gave his cock a quick jerk to keep it firm as Shepard kneeled between Zaeed’s legs. Zaeed kept one leg up as Shepard jerked off his shaft. He swirled his tongue around the head of his cock, surprised - and a bit disappointed - that the flavoured lubricant hadn’t completely rubbed off on the sheets. He focussed on sucking the head of his cock as his fingers worked his shaft, jerking him off firmly. Zaeed bit his lower lip. He’d been at the edge for most of their exchange, but he clearly wanted Shepard to work for it. Shepard tried to keep his pace somewhat slow to keep Zaeed from coming too soon.

Zaeed kept his hips still, letting Shepard suck and jerk without any help from him. He let out a few pleased groans and encouragements, “Keep going,” with a voice too steady for the state Shepard suspected him to be in. When he tasted the beginning of Zaeed’s orgasm, he placed his hands on either side of Zaeed’s hips and bobbed his head on Zaeed’s dick, eagerly taking more of his shaft into his mouth with every bob. Zaeed cursed and moved his hips with him, dipping his dick deeper and deeper with each buck.

Shepard thought the groans Zaeed made might make him hard again, and he watched as Zaeed still laid back confidently with his arms behind his head as he smiled and gasped. He loved watching the way the muscles in his stomach shifted as he arched into Shepard’s mouth. As Shepard expected, Zaeed grabbed his head, fucking his mouth as his limit approached. Shepard continued to suck him off with force while listening to Zaeed curse and gasp. “Christ, Shepard,” Zaeed groaned. “Fuck.”

He continued groaning, eagerly pulling Shepard’s mouth against him. He held Shepard’s head in place with his cock deep inside his mouth as he came into him. Zaeed held him for a few bucks as Shepard started to swallow his climax, and then Zaeed released him to let Shepard continue sucking the rest of his orgasm out of him. Shepard swallowed some of it and let some spill out, knowing Zaeed liked he sight of his climax dripping across his lips.

Shepard slowly drew his lips off of Zaeed’s shaft with Zaeed’s good eye watching him eagerly. Zaeed wiped some of his orgasm off of Shepard’s chin before kissing him roughly, well aware of what was still in the corners of his mouth. Shepard relished in the moment. Zaeed pulling him against him. Their mouths fiercely joined. Zaeed pushing him back against the mattress. Shepard broke the kiss to try to catch his breath, and Zaeed laughed as he covered his eyes with his forearm.

“I won’t tell anyone how much I wear you out,” Zaeed said.

Shepard grinned. “It would be a lie.”

Zaeed shoved him playfully before sliding out of bed. “I’m going to clean up. Do you need anything from the bathroom? Glass of water?”

“Sure,” Shepard said. “Just the water.”

He folded his arms behind his head and watched Zaeed walk nimbly through the darkness to the bathroom. As the light turned on, he turned his head to watch Zaeed in the bathroom. Shepard found himself wide awake. Zaeed had hoped it would tucker him out, but it gave him a small boost of energy to fight off the shadows that would come into his dreams. He knew he’d fall asleep eventually, but he loved knowing that Zaeed would be in the bed beside him when he finally fell asleep – and again when he ultimately woke up the next day.

He didn’t know how long he wanted it, or how long it would last, but it was a comfort knowing it was there now. And Shepard needed the now.

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  Graphics by [FelinaFullstop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felinafullstop)!
> 
> • [Original Fics & Ao3 Blog](http://blog.notamaincharacter.com/) •  
> • [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JunkerFics) •


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